My Ramblings (Disapointment, Frustration & I feel like I'm a total failure:(((

Feb 2011


After my BFN, I was very upset, cried to recover from the sorrow. Sorrow that everyone around you except you are getting pregnant. Don't you feel that way? Ever since we've started attempting to conceive it's very hard for me to digest when I hear the news of pregnancy of friends & family. As we jokingly say it seems like for everyone else its happening on "Press of Button". But for us even IVF is a struggle. Sometimes it spoils my whole day thinking what a failure I'm, that I couldn't become a mom still :(( will I ever become one? Should I blame it on my weight? my hubby? my karma? I don't know. Its very tuff to cope up and walk around pretending I'm happy while watching all of those perfect families around me. My hubby would be such a great Dad, and me I've got some great cooking skills which is just going to waste without having a family. 


Oh God I really don't wont to give up, in the meantime its a torture to repeatedly go through IVF cycles again, & again. One thing you still don't know is; all these stimulating medications has side effects. Patients who have gone through IVF are more prone to ovarian and breast cancer. But I don't mind anything even if I get sick its not a problem if I can become a "Mother". Sometimes I feel I should not be desperate like this, people say it happens only when you 'Let Go'. But how can u give up? can you? well I'm unable to ...... sometimes I don't even like to associate with anyone, because I feel everyone else has perfect families except for us. "Two loners going on a dark long journey" without any sight of light at the end...


Note : How do I cope with this IVF stress? I like to sweat it out, every time i feel stressed, disappointed and frustrated I head to the gym and work out rigorously till I drop my last bit of sweat. I've found gyming is a very good stress reliever for me. If my body won't cope up I would tell, "if you can't become pregnant, at least cope with this strenuousness"


Other method which I also do is cry, cry and cry and vomit out all your sorrow to someone. Next put some loud music and engage your self in favorite activity.